She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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