No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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