Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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