We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
