I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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