An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
