I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
