Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
