So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
