I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
