Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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