So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize