Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Randomize
