I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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