mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize