hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
