Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
It's blow job season.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
