You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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