So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
