I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
