I wish my penis had an off switch
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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