he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
