last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
