Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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