I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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