Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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