you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
