I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
