hell yes lets make some ravioli
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I know her cup size but not her name....
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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