I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
i think my cat just said my name.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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