Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
