the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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