Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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