her vagine was all disorganized.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize