how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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