I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
