I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
