He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
