I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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