the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
