If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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