that's an acceptable place to lick
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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