Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
