My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Maybe he injected his testicle?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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