Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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