Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize