There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
