I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
