i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
