I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
