Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
