you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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