Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You are a genius and a whore.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
