So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
