I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize