dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
