I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
