How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
