my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
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