I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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