He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
