i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
one might say we're banned from that church
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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