he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Blood and glitter go together right?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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