Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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