Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The air was thick with penises
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
