I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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