I faked an abortion last night.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
